Gifting you with a smile today,
Hope you reciprocate;
The full kindness of helping another take that mile of faith,
That perhaps tomorrow their eyes won’t cry with sadness,
Perhaps, I pray
They will finally see a better day,
In the sum of an eternity of bad days.
Glowing in her eyes
p.c : pinterest, her eyes.
Chains of our childhood,
I cried the moment she tried touching my hand
I smiled, she gave me a pair of eclairs,
Whispered behind my ears,
“I’m your friend, you shouldn’t fear”
And my innocent eyes smiled back at her devilish gaze
She smirked and pulled my pants,
And I felt chained,
She said she loves me, she would take care of me,
She said she would never hurt me
She said I was like a child to her,
But her lips were just slithering past the truth,
And she made sure, I the child was a fool
The tiny gifts , pampering me with sugar
Covering my mouth with sweet honey combs
But the bees lingered, and they stung
My vague childhood of happiness,
I had my innocence taken away so early,
Beneath the hide and seek,
Playing ball with other children,
I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t the same anymore,
Up to now I truly can’t;
Am I this way because of yesterday
Will I ever feel peace?
Perhaps today, perhaps not,
All I wish is for another chance to have a normal childhood.
I don’t want to feel this emotions no more,
Because they leave me broken and empty;
Every time I walk by the corridors of memories,
I want to believe am strong enough
No, healed enough not to tear ;
As nostalgia tears me down
I would wish to close my eyes to shield me from the darkness,
But the darkness; these darkness within, is greater
Since every glimmer of hope was shattered
I am not sure why it matters but I know it mattered
So why can’t these emotions stop screaming?
Or why can’t I stop hearing ?
Why do still walk through these very corridors?
Maybe it’s to remind me of those doors,
Those that got slammed on my face
Or maybe am craving answers,
I don’t want to feel this emotions no more
Because they leave me broken and empty.
Nemo and Sleeky.
Every single day I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I mean I believed that I had one, but the sky has turned grey too many times, I can no longer see the point of having this said purpose. I’ve reviewed my life repeatedly, and all I have is a family( like everyone else) , a body and spirit(like everyone else) and the fortunate privilege of seeing today. Nothing special about me at all. And it’s not like I’m complaining. It’s more like I’m letting go of these constraints that try to make me believe that I should always amount to something.
I fell in love with writing. I had a dream of being the best author. Guess I didn’t think it through at first. Once you realize that there’s nothing special about you rather than being human, you start feeling real. I stopped living in this fantasy of me blowing up as a result of my writing, getting the perfect wife and kids, making my parents proud. Fantasy can never win over reality check. And reality checked on me when I realized that I couldn’t always speak what I thought. And people tend to hate what they don’t understand. They didn’t understand me. Heck, I’ve always felt not at home in my own home sometimes. But being one not to complain, I live with the means provided.
They give the ter introverts to people like me, but in truth I hate that term. It makes me feel like I’m boxed under my own mind( which is like most of the time). I also want to have a moment where I’m all hyper and crazy, smiling , laughing, not afraid to approach people. I always want to have a feeling of not being awkward. What I get instead are sweaty palms and feet around people( so much for bathing almost every day). So I try to strike a conversation and my mind goes blank most of the time. Awkward silence. Moments after, I get a play back of events in my head of how things could have gone.
I have received cold shoulders, sometimes deliberate, other times the person never notices it. Being naturally a pessimist sometimes,I tend not to bother at all. I believe there isn’t much to expect from a person after all. The worst they could do is disappoint you. As a result, I always feel the sense of not liking people but it’s weird that at the same time I want to like them. I want to feel a connection but I find it hard.
Why can’t you just speak? Why are you quiet? What’s your deal? I don’t know. I don’t know what I am. Do I want to speak? yes. But I just finding myself not being able to. Perhaps I don’t want to disappoint you . Or maybe I don’t want you to put me in high level of reverence. Or maybe it’s because I just can’t. Are you mad at me? Have I disappointed you? Should I really care?
I know. It sucks being me. There are days I wake up and am like, how the hell am I still here. Not the best of days. I wouldn’t pity myself, rather I would hate myself to the extent of not caring about anything at all. ( probably hurt one or two people, but I have no remorse). And still, I wouldn’t never reach the point that I’m cornered to a wall where I suddenly want to off myself. To me, suicide is like damning your own soul to eternal suffering. I know, people get depressed and decide to end it. But I’ve runned that scenario in my head. I kill myself. My family mourns, probably a friend or two and then life goes on. I would never wish pain on my own family.
Probably should finish this rant by saying, whatever tomorrow holds, I’m not having high hopes for it. I don’t care if people hate what I am. I don’t care if I barely find happiness in this life. All I ask for is my personal space to be respected. You can’t change what I am, believe me when I say this. (Unless you make me forget). I want live this sad long life of being disappointed time after time, because I probably deserve it for shutting you down.
I am not kind, just conscious of your feelings because I lack the means to express mine
I’m not good, I just have the moral compass that ensures my life isn’t bothered
I’m not happy, I’m just aware of your smile hence I try living in your moment.
I’m not sad, I’m just feeding of the fact that you are not happy today.
I felt tied over
Melt in my bun
I drank coffee, over the cycle of events,
And by day my bike rolled downhill,
While I watched all the way up.
I’m standing at the edge,
My stress levels are high
And there’s this excruciating pain at the back of my neck
I feel the sense that my chapter has come to an end;
I know, I tried holding on to my heart a little longer,
But it was the tiny bounds of disbelief in my mind that lead my soul to wander,
Did I not have an envisioned path
Wasn’t I not focused on a perfect ending?
It’s a strife between my aspirations and I end up asunder
Or be left pending to calm my nerves
Have the nerve to lower my stress levels
If I could only figure how I got to this level?
Oh wait that’s an added stressor
Anyone with a defector?
Detach me from these woes and pressures
Hold up… I’m standing at the edge
The clouds look so welcoming
Soft landing should I say
Either that or I fight my way to the centre
Either that or it’s war till the safe space I enter.
Nemo and Sleeky.