Every single day I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I mean I believed that I had one, but the sky has turned grey too many times, I can no longer see the point of having this said purpose. I’ve reviewed my life repeatedly, and all I have is a family( like everyone else) , a body and spirit(like everyone else) and the fortunate privilege of seeing today. Nothing special about me at all. And it’s not like I’m complaining. It’s more like I’m letting go of these constraints that try to make me believe that I should always amount to something.
I fell in love with writing. I had a dream of being the best author. Guess I didn’t think it through at first. Once you realize that there’s nothing special about you rather than being human, you start feeling real. I stopped living in this fantasy of me blowing up as a result of my writing, getting the perfect wife and kids, making my parents proud. Fantasy can never win over reality check. And reality checked on me when I realized that I couldn’t always speak what I thought. And people tend to hate what they don’t understand. They didn’t understand me. Heck, I’ve always felt not at home in my own home sometimes. But being one not to complain, I live with the means provided.
They give the ter introverts to people like me, but in truth I hate that term. It makes me feel like I’m boxed under my own mind( which is like most of the time). I also want to have a moment where I’m all hyper and crazy, smiling , laughing, not afraid to approach people. I always want to have a feeling of not being awkward. What I get instead are sweaty palms and feet around people( so much for bathing almost every day). So I try to strike a conversation and my mind goes blank most of the time. Awkward silence. Moments after, I get a play back of events in my head of how things could have gone.
I have received cold shoulders, sometimes deliberate, other times the person never notices it. Being naturally a pessimist sometimes,I tend not to bother at all. I believe there isn’t much to expect from a person after all. The worst they could do is disappoint you. As a result, I always feel the sense of not liking people but it’s weird that at the same time I want to like them. I want to feel a connection but I find it hard.
Why can’t you just speak? Why are you quiet? What’s your deal? I don’t know. I don’t know what I am. Do I want to speak? yes. But I just finding myself not being able to. Perhaps I don’t want to disappoint you . Or maybe I don’t want you to put me in high level of reverence. Or maybe it’s because I just can’t. Are you mad at me? Have I disappointed you? Should I really care?
I know. It sucks being me. There are days I wake up and am like, how the hell am I still here. Not the best of days. I wouldn’t pity myself, rather I would hate myself to the extent of not caring about anything at all. ( probably hurt one or two people, but I have no remorse). And still, I wouldn’t never reach the point that I’m cornered to a wall where I suddenly want to off myself. To me, suicide is like damning your own soul to eternal suffering. I know, people get depressed and decide to end it. But I’ve runned that scenario in my head. I kill myself. My family mourns, probably a friend or two and then life goes on. I would never wish pain on my own family.
Probably should finish this rant by saying, whatever tomorrow holds, I’m not having high hopes for it. I don’t care if people hate what I am. I don’t care if I barely find happiness in this life. All I ask for is my personal space to be respected. You can’t change what I am, believe me when I say this. (Unless you make me forget). I want live this sad long life of being disappointed time after time, because I probably deserve it for shutting you down.
I am not kind, just conscious of your feelings because I lack the means to express mine
I’m not good, I just have the moral compass that ensures my life isn’t bothered
I’m not happy, I’m just aware of your smile hence I try living in your moment.
I’m not sad, I’m just feeding of the fact that you are not happy today.
I felt tied over
Melt in my bun
I drank coffee, over the cycle of events,
And by day my bike rolled downhill,
While I watched all the way up.
I’m standing at the edge,
My stress levels are high
And there’s this excruciating pain at the back of my neck
I feel the sense that my chapter has come to an end;
I know, I tried holding on to my heart a little longer,
But it was the tiny bounds of disbelief in my mind that lead my soul to wander,
Did I not have an envisioned path
Wasn’t I not focused on a perfect ending?
It’s a strife between my aspirations and I end up asunder
Or be left pending to calm my nerves
Have the nerve to lower my stress levels
If I could only figure how I got to this level?
Oh wait that’s an added stressor
Anyone with a defector?
Detach me from these woes and pressures
Hold up… I’m standing at the edge
The clouds look so welcoming
Soft landing should I say
Either that or I fight my way to the centre
Either that or it’s war till the safe space I enter.
Nemo and Sleeky.
In memory of you, bro
Always felt that emptiness ever since you left,
The thought that you who knew best wasn’t around anymore hit me hard ,
I felt the chest pains
The little nuggets of wisdom that came from your brilliant mind, the voice of assurance
Perhaps maybe you’ll wake up the next
Perhaps you’ll come back home
Perhaps, it’s all I can say, perhaps
But I saw you last night,
I was happy and sad at the same time
You saw me cry
Tapped my shoulder and showed me the memory of a happy childhood
I still felt empty
I still feel empty
We play the game of hide and seek,
Two little boys all smiling and cheeks
The laughter resonating in that memory
You hid, and your shadow vanished from my grasp
I woke up
I had been lost in one of my many lonely trance
Pair of a type they said,
I always dreamt of you being my best man
The future was clear ;
But being a naive boy, I never feared the inevitable thought of death
And it’s true memories live on
But every moment I remember, every moment I relive, I feel the pain, I get the realization that you are actually gone
I feel pain
And I won’t lie that a part of me has been dead ever since you left
I smile sometimes, I try to be optimistic
But there days I go like, it’s pointless I don’t really care the outcome, since you are not hear to see it
What’s the point of living my best if I don’t have my best man by my side
I know the world went on,
But mine stopped a long time ago.
I walked out of the life
Mr. Hopeless romantic, lovey dovey
Where’s your wife?
Fool! The figment of my imagination is what I’m married too
I realized though, too soon
You get bored writing what you lack sometimes
And it’s true what the mouth runners told you,
I lack a heart
There was a time though,
I genuinely fell in love
Stargazed, as my writer friend would say
She was the final piece,
I saw perfection; I saw her heart
I saw her world
To some extent I felt the essence of a plausible future
I had struck gold
But like the mouth runners have told you before,
I have no heart
She had no love
That’s when I swore not to play the sensitive game of hearts
Did I feel bad, you ask?
Well you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t
And now I shall stick to touring through the fabric of my mind, trying not to live under the lines of my imagination.